Hope After Hell

My journey started the night I went to a Christian church in my area.  I intended to show a friend of mine how stupid Christianity was and recruit her into the coven.  She was very spiritual and I knew she would be a great asset to the coven. But anyway, I was extremely uncomfortable during praise and worship.  I tried to make as though I was singing and finally it ended and the Pastor was preaching.  I had only been to a church when I was extremely young.  My father insisted we go to church and I remember nothing but sitting under his chair and sleeping.  I must have been approximately 5 years old.  My mother was involved in the occult and when she was pregnant with me, she dedicated my life to satan at one of the rituals.

As the Pastor spoke about things, I was so amazed at how he was doing this.  He did not stand behind the pulpit, repeating religious saying, claiming to be THE man of God, but he was somehow extremely personal with his people.  I was totally shocked when he walked up and down the stage, making hilarious movements, faces, etc.  His description of things was somewhat different to what I had learned about what Pastors were.  The people laughed often.  I could not help but feel some kind of a release and I could not help but laugh too.  This was totally amazing.  This was fun.  I could not believe I was thinking this but somehow, I continued to focus on what he was saying and how he was getting through to the people.  I just soaked in everything he said.  Then something strange happened.  He started to prophesy to people.  I listened to what he said to people and was totally shocked and his love for people.  But somehow, deep inside of me, I knew the words were not from him.  They were from this God that they believed in.  As the people were encouraged and exhorted with the prophecies, I started to sink lower and lower into my chair.  An incredible fear came over me.  I could not believe what was going on.  There was just too much of this love going around that I felt a bit uncomfortable.  The next thing, he stood right in front of me and I thought “Just let him say one nasty thing to me and I will curse him”.  As he started speaking to me, I started sweating and felt like I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up.  Get me out of here.  Then suddenly, I felt comforted and was able to hear what he was saying.

 This is what he said to me:

  Quote: Pastor :

“Theres a new face here, theres a new face.  Yes.  You’re withdrawn.  You are pulled one side.  You are withdrawn.  Because of a situation that caused you.  Like a turtle that pulls into its shell.  You are withdrawn.  You build up defence mechanisms, but its not necessary. 

Because yet, you will come to the fullness that God has got for your life.  You don’t have to hide.  Never hide.  Step forward.  In fact you came into the church tonight and you enjoyed it very much.  You said to yourself you are going to come back again.  Because you enjoyed yourself.  And you were smiling ….because something touched your soul. 

God is saying “Don’t withdraw.  Step out because in hiding away, that’s where the devil wants you”.  God wants you because God is saying that you were innocent.  You hear what I am saying?  You know what I am talking about.  God bless you“. 

I sat in my chair, half sliding off and felt something I have never felt before.  I felt as though my heart had suddenly grown wings and was fluttering.  It was the strangest feeling, a nice feeling and did not want the feeling to stop.   I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour that night.  As I said the sinners prayer, it felt like light exploded throughout my body.  I cried.  I realized what was going on and how badly I had been deceived in my past.  I felt the love of Jesus come over me and it felt like he was telling me that He loves me. 

As the service ended and I left with my friend, I felt so fully energized.  I was so full of energy and could not stop smiling.  The journey had started.  Questions flew through my mind.  What about the coven?  What do I do now?  What do I say to them?  One thing I knew I had to do was go back to the coven and get my measure. 

The one thing that had a tie to the occult was my measure.  A measure is a special kind of string that is measured around your body, your ankles, your arms and everything.  You bind your soul into the measure and it is sealed with your blood and with wax.  This measure binds your soul to the dark side.  It was still at the coven.  I had to get it back.  I was convinced that they could destroy me with it, so I went back.  I stole it from the coven and hurried to the church and gave them a few things. 

The day they burned this measure at the church something happened.  The Pastor informed me that the demons from this measure came straight for me.  That day, without knowing they were burning it, I crumbled inside.  I lost all control of myself and freaked out.  It was the demons who came for me.  My friend was with me and she prayed for me and after a while, things were okay.

We had many attacks soon afterward one day when leaving church, a sudden heaviness came upon both her and I and we kinda freaked.  We wanted to both turn back and go back to the church but God told her to continue straight home.  She obeyed and prayed like I have never heard anyone pray before.  All I could think was “I am going to die”.  While she was praying, things subsided.  She was informed by a Pastor that she must not be afraid because she is surrounded by a legion of angels during this time. 

We started going to prayer mornings at the church and I was horribly confused.  Why was it that when they walked and prayed, they walked clockwise when in circle in the occult, everything is done anticlockwise.  Oh boy, it was then that I realized that I was going to have to totally renew my mind. 

The married man I was involved in had left to go to Europe with his family as his wife got a transfer.  We still kept in touch via email.  He contacted me one day and told me that he has a feeling that I have turned and gone to Christianity and if that were the case, he would come back to South Africa and take me back to the where I belonged.  I tried to explain to him what an awesome experience I had with Jesus and I tried so hard to convert him as I was very naive and young in Christianity.  Eventually, I saw a Pastor for counceling.  He told me to cut all contact with every one of them.  This was very difficult for me.  I knew that they were trying to get me back and some of them even threatened me, but they were my family.  How could I possibly do that.  I cried many nights as I wanted to contact them but had to force myself not to.  This was extremely difficult.  They persisted on contacting me and then the threats got bad so I changed my cell phone number, moved to a different area, cut my long black hair and dyed it a caramel colour.  I knew this would not work because demons inform them of whatever they want to know.  But, I had to do something. 

I became depressed.  I felt such a depression upon me that my friend and I had to do spiritual warfare often.

The journey I had to walk was a really tough journey.  I was taken to the Orange Free State by my friend and two woman who are very close to God and used by God to speak to people prophesied to me about how He wanted to use me for His glory, to help others out of this pit of hell.

The journey out from the devil and into Gods arms has really been tough.  There have been times where I wanted to go back to the occult because it was familiar ground.  I had many friends there and felt so alone.  Even when I spoke to people or went for councelling, it just felt like I was all alone.  All I could do was pray and build a relationship with God.  Deep down I knew that He was the only one who truly understood.

Destroying my occultic possessions 

With the help of this friend and her mother (who dealt with people from the occult), we got all my occultic things together (boxes) and burned them.  While we were burning the things, I repeated what her mother said and the fire sparked all over the place and my arm burned.  Some objects refused to burn, even books).  As I threw the things in, the fire as if it wanted to burn me.  Something inside of me did not want to burn these things.  Over the years, I had built up my life with these items.  I had spent thousands on them and I was extremely attached to them.  As I threw them in the fire, I cried.  I struggled to destroy the items and deep inside of me I did not want to do this.  But I knew I had to do this.  If I was ever going to star my life over, these items had to go.  I felt like I was killing my child.  I struggled, but had the victory.

When we were done and we were on our way home, I felt the “energy” again but this time, it was so overwhelming that I fell in love with it.  This “energy” was God. 

I continued going to church and for councelling with a Pastor and still continued seeing auras, etherics, etc.  My mind was not renewed.  I had a long journey ahead of me and I did not realize it.  If I knew then the things I would have to go through, I would have given up and gone back. 

Suicide

I tried to take my own life by overdosing on medication on 4^th May 2005 because I could not handle the pressure anymore.  Although I had people around me to help me, I still felt so alone and like no-one understood.  I had no-one to speak to who could relate.  My mother was gone and my father and I had a bad relationship.  I gave my two children up to their father while in the occult and everything was upside down.  I was yet, having another identity crisis.  By this time I was 26 years old.  I felt like a mess!  My life was spared as my Pastor somehow sent me sms’s and found out where I lived.  I had taken too much medication by that time to remember anything.  But the next thing I knew, I was in hospital, very delirious, sick as anything and upset that I was still alive.  I remember my brother shouting at me out of his hurt, but I could not hear any words he was saying.  I could just see his face distorting.  I stayed in hospital for five days and they would not release me.  This is when I was diagnosed by a Psychiatrist with bipolar.  I had to be put on medication for this too. 

I had to get down on my knees and ask for Gods help.  I was not able to do this on my own.  These were the most difficult struggles I have ever encountered in my life – my own mind. 

My mind was not renewed.  I had struggled against the forces of evil daily.  I was in bondage.  They kept me in bondage and I had battled daily to get out of the bondages.  My biggest bondage was drugs and wanting to return to the occult.  I continued to take drugs for quite some time after Jesus saved me and each time I took the drugs, I would be so convicted in my heart, but yet, I continued.  I still felt that I could not cope and satan kept telling me lies that I can escape all the hardships with turning to drugs.  I listened to him.  As much as God had spoken to me, I still was in bondage.  I only managed to escape the bondage of drugs through Jesus Christ and the help and support of my husband, Richard.

There were times where I could taste blood in my mouth and there were times where I could smell blood all around me.  Everyone around me smelt like blood.  It was almost like a craving for blood.  I had not participated in many sacrifices, but there were some, and there was a lot of drinking of blood, our own and other peoples and animals blood.  Sometimes, I would purposely cut myself or scratch myself so that I would bleed just to get some blood in my mouth to satisfy the crave.  With having been at college at my church, I realized the importance of blood in Gods eyes and had to fight to stop doing this.  I noticed that there were times that I would do this without knowing it, just scratching myself so that I could bleed to get some blood.  Then I would immediately stop, pray about it and stop the bleeding with a tissue without putting the blood in my mouth.  This took some time, but with prayer, it eventually left.  I no longer have that craving.  

I had a severe problem with believing that people wanted to poison me.  I could not even trust my own husbands cooking.  Oh he cooked delicious food, but if something had the slightest strange taste or did not look right, I would not eat any further.  Today, I still struggle with this.  I have come to trust my husbands cooking, but I am still weary of others.  But I believe Jesus is working with me with regard to this.

Trust?  This is something that did not exist in my vocabulary.  Due to the abuse I had endured through my life, I was not able to trust anyone.  I did not even trust myself.  When I was exposed to any possible harm from anyone, whether innocent or not, I would automatically defend myself in pure aggression and anger.  I would attack.  I shudder to think about the anger I enraged on my husband.  But being a godly man, through his love, he loved me even more.  I would say the most vulgar and vicious things to him, just to hurt him.  I did not want to be hurt so I wanted to get him down before he could get me down.  Now one thing you must know…. My husband has the biggest heart I have ever come across and he could not even hurt a fly.  At one stage I though I was going to break him, but God strengthened him and he continued loving me. 

I did not understand love.  To me love was all about lust.  Since I left the occult until I met my husband, true love did not exist.  I was unable to give love and I was unable to receive love.  I detested it when someone did try and love me because I thought they just wanted something from me or were going to hurt me.  I did not allow anyone close to my heart.  I guarded it with spikes, flaming arrows and thick metal.  I was very hard inside and struggled to cry.  I used to cry to manipulate people, but I never cried from my heart.  It was only when I met my husband that I was able to cry from my heart.  We sat on the bed at times and I would cry.  It felt very uncomfortable to cry, but I could no longer keep the pain inside.  I started to feel comfortable and trust my husband and that allowed me to cry. 

In the beginning of my walk with God, I had a stronghold of sexual lust.  I was not able to be around a man who showed me any kind of love without feeling sexual lust for him.  As much as I cried about it and tried so very hard not to feel this, it was there and it was always at full force.  I became infatuated with a man who was helping me (this is before I met my husband) and he was a pure man of God.  I knew what I was doing, but when I got up to horrible things in my own private time, I cried out of pure conviction, shame and guilt.  But still, I could not control it.  I was not able to be awake for one minute without thinking about this man.  This man was a married man.  Until one day, God spoke to me.  He told me that it was enough and that He was not going to tolerate it.  I had such a fear of God in me that I prayed allot about it and kept making an effort to stop it.  It was then that when I had decided not to continue with this horrid sin, that God sent my husband to me.  But it came back.  I started to get those same feelings for that same man.  Fortunately, I spoke to my husband about it and with his loving heart, he comforted me and helped me to work through it.  Today, I am totally free of that dreadful spirit.  My heart, mind, soul and body are completely for my husband and the Lord.  I am free at last!

I could not submit to anyone.  I was very controlling and demanding.  Most of all, I could not submit to my husband.  Here I was, married to a wonderful man, but I could not trust him with my life.  Deep inside of me I wanted to be in control of this marriage.  I needed to be in control of this marriage.  I did not trust him.  I loved him, but I could not trust him.  It was not only him I did not trust, I did not trust anyone.  I had been too rejected in my life to trust anyone.  I had lost everyone I had loved and was abused too much to trust.  I had built layer upon layer of shields around myself.  I knew that if I were to obey Gods word about the woman submitting to her husband, it was going to be a long road.  After much prayer to God and understanding from my husband, I got to a place were I was able to submit.  Oh, I did not like it, but I had to say to God “God, I put it all in Your hands and trust that You will give my husband wisdom”.  I had to have faith.  It seemed that this is what God wanted as things worked out. 

I had to rid myself of the body piercings I had.  This was very difficult for me.  I rather enjoyed the piercings.  I asked God to show me why it is so wrong and he did.  Eventually I was no longer interested piercings and when I look at young people with piercings, I pity them.  I still have a tattoo of witchcraft on my shoulder but I am going to remove it with lazer.  I have had it prayed over and I believe that it is covered by the blood of Jesus.

I had terrible nightmares.  I was wakened some nights with utter fear, utter disgust and what was going on in my mind.  I knew this was the devil.  One night after waking from a terrible nightmare, I looked at the sealing while lying in my bed and the roof began to form a kind of a circle.  It looked like a pregnant stomach.  It grew very fast and when it looked full term, it exploded.  The roof seemed to birth something.  When I saw what was coming out of it, it was the most hideous creature I had ever seen.  It was a demon.  Its wings flapped and it looked at me.  I pulled the covers up so that only my eyes stuck out to see what it was going to do.  It then came straight for me with the most terrible shreak I have ever heard.  I then pulled the covers straight over my whole head.  I broke out into a sweat and was too afraid to breath.  I just lay there.  Eventually, I braved it out to pull the covers down slowly.  Nothing was there, the roof was normal.  I never slept a second the rest of the night.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.